1. There have been quite a few extreme reactions around reports of Robert Pattinson being given the role of Luke Skywalker in the new Star Wars film. Admittedly, some strange decisions have been made regarding Star Wars plot and casting in the past. But please be assured that this is just a baseless rumour. Anyway, I happen to have up-to-date info on the new cast…

    Han Solo - Jake Gyllenhall. Disney executives have identified Jake as the perfect leading man to carry off the dashing, rugged character into a new era of Star Wars. Now a family man, much of the upcoming trilogy will revolve around domestic issues between Han and…

    Princess Leia - Anne Hathaway? While Disney executives are having continued trouble finding an ideal candidate for the feisty, yet sympathetic character from the original trilogy, Anne Hathaway’s capacity to expand the Star Wars audience demographic makes her the current frontrunner. This is the only currently uncast major role in Star Wars: Episode VII.

    Luke Skywalker -Jason Statham. The self-evident obvious choice, Jason will kick the ass of the remnants of the Empire. 

    Ruggerag Binks - Owen Wilson. Simultaneously a comedy character and action hero, Ruggerag is actually the main protagonist of Star Wars: Episode VII. Ruggerag is the nephew of Jar-Jar Binks and, being force sensitive, Luke Skywalker’s most promising Padawan. However, Ruggerag is also quite clumsy and disobedient, with hilarious consequences!

    Evil Mace Windus - Samuel L Jackson. Unbeknownst to the Rebel Alliance, the Emperor used Mace Windu’s severed arm in order to assemble a clone army of thousands of force-sensitive evil Mace Windus. Disney executives are said to be interested in ensuring that the Evil Mace Windus have more ‘attitude’ than the Mace Windu of the prequel trilogy. Many of the scenes in Star Wars: Episode VII will consist entirely of Evil Mace Windus discussing plot and having lengthy, involved Machiavellian power struggles.

    Emperor Palpatine - Larry David. Apparently dead at the end of Episode VI, the fearsome Emperor has come back to life in a new, cloned body. Now less powerful in terms of both Galactic politics and force sensitivity, Disney executives are hopeful about the prospect of showing a new, more curmudgeonly side to the Emperor’s character.

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